Taken from vet-tech.
Rules for going to the vet
1. Do not make an appointment. Just walk in, because they are going to be there anyway. Demand to be seen immediately. Become irate if you have to wait for anyone who is ahead of you.
2. Bring your children, bring your neighbor’s children. If you have no children, borrow some from a friend. Toddlers who have been walking for less than a year are best. If they are talking, let them run around all over the hospital to ask everyone on the staff questions.
3. Place your pet on the exam table, then sit down. Please do not hold it. Emphasize that: “It won’t jump down!”, and, “He never bites!”
4. If you are reading a magazine, do not lose your place by putting it down. Please keep reading. Do not look up when asked a question.
5. Do not remove your sunglasses, especially if you have a hearing problem.
6. If you have a concern, YELL at the receptionist, then when you see the doctor, be as sweet as humanly possible.
7. As you leave, let your unneutered dog urinate on every stationary object until he gets outside. Do not tell anyone.
8. Please tell us if there is a problem, but wait at least three weeks to do so. Remember–continuous diarrhea for four or more weeks is considered “An emergency situation!” This is especially true at closing time on the weekend.
9. If your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor that you have been away on vacation. If you haven’t brought your pet into the office for over 2 years, always tell the veterinarian that the problem started right after your last visit and hasn’t gone away.
10. Have your records under as many names as possible. For your pet, have a registered name, a baptized name, and a nickname from each family member. Use a different name each time you come in for a visit.
11. When leaving your pet for boarding or other procedures, never tell anyone in the office that you have changed your phone number since the last visit.
12. Never say anything important until the vet puts his stethoscope in his ears.
13. Always say, “Cost is not important! Do whatever it takes to save my pet!” until you get your bill. Then deny that you ever said it was OK to treat your pet. Make a big fuss over every item, even though you have no intention of paying the bill anyway. Always bring your checkbook without checks in it, and leave your wallet at home. Only carry $100 bills when you do bring your wallet, especially if you are only purchasing one can of dog food.
14. If possible, always send your pet to the clinic with children under the age of 18. Be sure they have no money or credit cards with them, and never tell them why they were to bring the pet in.